You thought you were alone in your phone

Plus: Vitalik Buterin meows at a robot

GM. Today’s market smoothie is thick, juicy, and loaded with berries. No added FUD.

🚨 New Android malware has entered the chat.

🍋 News drops: Kalshi sues two states, Vitalik Buterin meows at a robot + more

🍍 Market flavor today

It’s tariff week, my dudes.

And the mess you’re seeing up there 👆 is the market preparing for it.

On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s gonna announce more import taxes on top of the ones that are already in place or have been announced.

Here’s what’s already live:

• 25% on all steel and aluminum;

• 25% on most Canadian goods, plus a 10% on Canadian energy;

• 25% on all imports from Mexico;

• 20% on a bunch of Chinese goods.

Here’s what’s going live this week:

• 25% on all imported cars;

• 25% on all countries that buy Venezuelan oil.

So, what’s coming on Wednesday? No one knows exactly, but Trump reportedly wants to hit every country with more tariffs and then just, quote, “see what happens.”

🥲

Of course, other countries aren’t just gonna sit there and smile.

• Canada’s already hit back with $21B in tariffs on American goods;

• China’s slapped 10 – 15% tariffs on American farm goods;

• The EU said they’ll retaliate, too;

• Mexico is planning its own counterattack for April 3.

TL;DR: it seems like we’re going into a tariffs on tariffs on tariffs type of situation (= a global trade war).

Oh, and last week’s data didn’t help calm anyone down either:

• Inflation is rising faster than expected;

• Consumer confidence dropped to its lowest level in 12 years;

• And Goldman Sachs raised its odds of a recession within the next year from 20% to 35%.

Needless to say, people are nervous. Matter of fact, the US Economic Policy Uncertainty Index is 80% higher than it was in the 2008 crisis.

Now, some people believe Bitcoin is an inflation hedge, so they’re not too worried.

But in reality, crypto is still heavily affected by how the overall economy feels. And right now, it’s feeling messy.

So, expect the crypto market to be shaky for a while.

🥝 Memecoin harvest

Somewhere out there, there’s a financial advisor crying after seeing what’s mooning today.

Data as of 06:40 AM EST.

Check out these memecoins and plenty more here.

Cybersecurity team Threat Fabric spotted a new mobile malware called Crocodilus – and lemme tell ya, it bites. Hard.

Even though it’s new, this thing comes packed with all the features you’d expect from advanced banking malware.

This might sound a bit dramatic, but you’ll see why. Here’s how it works:

First, it gets into your phone through a Trojan dropper – a malicious app that bypasses Android 13’s security. (+1 point for iOS, I guess?)

Once inside, it asks for Accessibility Services to be turned on. DO NOT do that, because that cheeky little button allows the hackers to take over your phone.

If you do click it (which, I repeat, PLS DO NOT), Crocodilus connects to its control server to get detailed instructions – like which apps to target, which fake login screens to show, and exactly how to steal your data.

So, let’s say you open one of the apps it’s after (like a banking app). Crocodilus immediately throws up a fake log in screen that looks exactly like the real one. You type in your details, thinking life is normal – but your credentials just got stolen.

By a damn crocodile.

And it isn’t only tracking what you type – Crocodilus can see everything on your screen. Passwords, one-time codes, personal info – whatever pops up, it’s watching. Yes, even your Google Authenticator codes.

… It can’t get any worse than that, right? Of course it can, baby 😎

Crocodilus comes with remote control powers. Hackers can literally operate your phone WITHOUT YOU NOTICING – because they’ll black out your screen and mute your sound.

Oh, and if you’re using a crypto wallet, Crocodilus has a scam ready for you, too. It hits you with this message:

“Back up your wallet key in the settings within 12 hours. Otherwise, the app will be reset, and you may lose access to your wallet.”

Which is just a trap to make you reveal your seed phrase. As soon as you open it, Crocodilus is already there, copying it down and draining your crypto.

So, what do we do about it?!

Well, banks and fintech companies should improve their security systems.

And for the rest of us regular humans: don’t install sketchy apps, don’t grant random permissions, and definitely don’t trust every pop-up telling you to “secure your wallet.”

🍋 News drops

⚖️ Prediction market Kalshi is suing gaming regulators in Nevada and New Jersey. Both states hit ‘em with cease and desists for offering sports contracts.

🏦 Banks can now get into crypto – and they don’t need to ask the FDIC’s permission first.

🐶 A video of Vitalik Buterin kneeling in front of a robot and meowing has gone viral. Ethereum dropped 2% after that… coincidence?

🤝 Trump pardoned the three BitMEX founders – Arthur Hayes, Benjamin Delo, and Samuel Reed. They were facing charges of money laundering and breaking the Bank Secrecy Act.

🔎 Five Democratic senators want regulators to investigate the stablecoin launched by World Liberty Financial – a crypto firm backed by Trump’s family. They say a sitting president financially benefiting from the stablecoin’s success could pose serious risks to the financial system.

🍌 Juicy memes